Featured Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
I have mentioned a few times in some of my previous blogposts about how my social life has developed greatly over the last around 2ish years. Once upon a time not too long ago I’d just be a person reserved to being inside for most of their life surfing the web and playing games.
Back then I had little to no prospects of doing anything much more with my life. I believed that because I had Autism my life was herein set in stone and that there was not much in store for me apart from being by myself, depending on family, and simply making no further connections than that. And for a very, very long time I was content with that. And I think it drove me a little mad for a while – I think anyone who is isolated for such a long time does lose some connection with reality.
But the big wake up call came for me when my mum had an aneurysm. After that everything in my small world changed, actually that world completely exploded and no longer existed. For a while I was very lost and depressed and with everything going on I had to learn some life skills – doing more things for myself – cooking was a major one that I first had to learn now my mum was not there to do it for me. I learned to do that very quickly to my surprise.
Of course my older sister was there for me. But even at first it was hard, both of us having had very different lifestyles, me not doing much and her having had her own independent life. There was some tensions and at time arguments between us – she was a very strictly clean person and I was not (and admittedly even now I still need to try better to keep on top of cleaning up after myself). She also had no experience in looking after anyone other than dogs, and so that also stressed her out a lot as she got used to her new life.
So there was learning and getting used to a new reality for both of us and that period of time was stressful and depressing, but it got better as we both got used to our new lives and eventually it begun feeling normal and the stress and depression was less and less until basically gone.
My sister also worked as well (unlike my mum) and so she was not constantly around to do things around the house (like my mum was) and so she relied on us more to start cleaning up more after ourselves, cleaning the floors, doing hoovering, dog walking and care. You know, basic house chores that most kids/teens would do for their parents, except up to that point we never really did because our mum much preferred doing things herself, she never really taught us. She did not have the patience.
And so that begun instilling within me basic life skills needed to be more independent – and I quickly begun to find that I enjoyed the independence a lot more than dependence. I liked that I could do things for myself and I liked having the house to myself when my sister was at work. I remember on the times my mum did used to go out I hated it, I was very clingy with her probably due to the dependence I had developed, and was deeply afraid she would one day not return, that something might happen to her.
And I hated that feeling – and soon enough it begun developing with my sister as well, for a short while, but eventually I realised I should simply stop wasting my emotions and worries on it, it was too taxing. Yes, something may happen to my sister while she is out but I have no power over that, just as I had no power to stop my mum from having an aneurysm. Once I understood that I… eventually… relaxed and my mental health greatly improved. My sister would go out and I would remain calm and happy.
With time I begun hungering for more independence and perhaps even the chance of my own place. My sister was of the same mind, although she was happy to live with us and help to look after us, she did want to have her own independent life back again. And so we agreed to begin heading in the direction of getting a place for me and my brother by applying for housing through the council.
By this point I had also begun attending a group for people with autism, to help develop social skills which is something I really wanted to work on, as well as some other basic life skills. When the pandemic hit the group migrated to Zoom and I feel this actually enabled the socialness of it to increase, as everyone a part of the group could easily meet up online, geographic boundaries were broken.
Through this we were also able to connect with Autism Anglia and Adult Social Care and obtained a care package that would further help me and my brother develop life skills through a care/social worker who would visit us weekly and help us to do shopping, develop more in-house life skills, and simply just get out and about more easily. This was all a big help in preparing us for when we got our own place. And our social worker remains one of our greatest companions.
And that place would thankfully come. After some let downs through places the council had offered (including this really bad one) we came across a good flat that we were happy to move into. And I cannot express how greatful I am for it, we are very lucky to have gotten a decent place to live within such a short period of time – many others on the housing list are not so lucky and have to wait many, many years before getting anything livable.
With help from our social worker and family we soon moved in and I type this blogpost from there now. It has been a year and one month since moving in and it feels more like home than ever. I love this level of independence. But now I hungered for more of a social life. Unfortunately the Autism group I had been a part of was only a pilot and was shut down and replaced by a new system that I was not within age range to take part in (many of us got shafted by that decision).
It is a big issue for autistic adults to find a place to go. A lot of the services offered are for autistic children or teens up to the age of 18 – and in some cases if you’re lucky some services may go up to the age of 25. But beyond that there is very little and you’re kind of just left to drown in the social world as an autistic adult.
Luckily a bunch of those a part of that former group got together and formed a new group that did not have associated age limits and enabled us to continue on. And that group is doing very well, having recently got funding. It is still early days but I have high hopes for it. Largely it remains confined to zoom socials, but more activities in the real world will be taking place – one of the first is a Christmas party next week I am very much looking forward to attending.
I decided I enjoyed building my social life and improving my confidence and wanted to pursue more. Through my social worker we were able to find a weekly social group in town for those aged 17-25 – yeah it is age limited but at the time I was 23 so we figured we may as well get what we can out of it – and it did turn out to be a very good decision.
During the time I was a part of the group I met a high sheriff, played many games at the meeting place in town, took part in a town parade, litter picked, got a volunteer job at a charity shop, and got connections to join a film club and an art club – further expanding my social life.
We were also planning to go on a 2-day sailing trip as well but unfortunately this would end up being cancelled as the group was postponed as the person who ran it decided to leave – the group has not been back on since that time as I guess they have found no one else. But I am still grateful for the connections it enabled me for the art club and film club of which both are still ongoing.
Through the film club I have learned much about programming film and independent cinema, and through the art club I have been improving my artistic skills – and through both meeting new people. And thanks to all these social connections I have five upcoming social activities for the Christmas period.
The already mentioned Christmas party with the autism group. two Christmas dinner outings – one with Autism Anglia and another with my art club – a trip to London with the film club – and taking part in organising a Christmas film with the film club for my local cinema (which is where the film club is based) which I will be attending to watch.
If I had gone back in time and told myself I’d have this many social activities coming up and have been part of these clubs and social groups I’d think I was being overly hopeful and a bit crazy, and would have had no where near the amount of confidence to believe it. But now… it all feels quite normal.
So really, you just have to get yourself out there. If you really want a social life you have to find ways to pursue it like I did, and if that means getting support through a care/social worker to do it – then try and make that happen! It’s well worth it.
I am now continously looking forward to how mine develops over the course of the next year and onwards!
Oh and do not worry – my mum is okay now. Yes, she is not exactly herself due to the brain damage. But she is as much as there as she is going to get now. She lives in an assisted living place and I visit her on a weekly basis.
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